When A Child Is Born

When a child is born, hope is abundant, love fills the air, and parents are excited to create connections, nurture their child, and experience endless joy. Beneath this hope lies a predetermined attachment style and developed personality, that influences how parents will handle parenting and co-parenting challenges. Our attachment style reflects how we have learned to cope with attachment disconnection experiences thus far.

Attachment is a process of learning by mirroring between people (all mammals) that begins in infancy. Essentially, it amounts to figuring out how to respond to the discomfort of rejection of attachment needs in the process of navigating survival.

Because of the complexity of this process, raising a child is often one of the most challenging experiences in life, second only to navigating the life cycle and the psychosocial stages of development. The psychosocial stages of human development were outlined by Dr. Erik Erikson in 1968. They consist of seven distinct and critical stages that must be completed for healthy social-emotional development. The stages of development form the bedrock of the developmental milestones that need to be accomplished for successful relationship development. They reflect challenges and opportunities in cognitive and emotional development as children grow, adapt, and assimilate into their surrounding environment.

So, what may help to make raising a child and having a family less challenging? The answer can be found in learning more about the seven psychosocial stages of development, which begin with Trust vs. Mistrust and end with Integrity vs. Despair. A link to all seven stages can be found here: https://www.verywellmind.com/erik-eriksons-stages-of-psychosocial-development-2795740.

To address parenting challenges, understanding what can go wrong is crucial. Although doing so requires a journey back in time when we are ready and hopeful about moving forward. Many feel exhausted and threatened at the mere thought of reflecting back in time on past relationship dilemmas such as navigating needs with their parents. And it can be a challenging task, made all the more daunting when we consider that by age 7 children already have a well-developed reaction to perceived relationship distress and thus have automatic and distinct strategies to meet the needs vs demands or expectations in various circumstances.

Children, in fact, learn how to meet their needs for survival by meeting their parent's (adults) projected needs first. This is where things get sad because children sacrifice their needs for attachment over their needs for basic survival until they can't, which marks the beginning of the established patterns of relating that will define their adult personality - when, with whom, where, and how, they will take risks to survive or thrive.

Children have already established a fairly set way of coping and relating to themselves, others, and the world around them. So, most attempts to alter these established patterns in adulthood are frequently met with resistance—a roll of the eyes onward to outright rebellion at worst. Our survival instincts are so powerful that we instinctively resist contemplating new perspectives or approaches. While survival also reflects a child's resilience and capacity to adapt and change, the energy invested in survival sacrifices the would-be rewards of a less encumbered exploration.

As the stages indicate, by the time children reach 18 months of age, they have already figured out whom to trust (who, what, where, when, and how) regarding their care. The most crucial developmental task for all children and caregivers is the first stage: Trust vs. Mistrust. By the second stage, Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt, children's survival instincts allow additional opportunities for caregivers to demonstrate their care. It is essential that caregivers not only understand children’s struggles but also create a safe space to navigate these hardships, showing patience and compassion.

Unfortunately, most parents lack the essential resources to provide the emotional attunement, presence, and care required to help their children successfully navigate each stage of development. Caregivers often feel compelled to outsource responsibilities too early in the parenting process, engaging in multitasking most often because they do not have sufficient or quality support or help. Such hardship leads to sacrificing the most critical element of human emotional development: the psychosocial or emotional developmental milestones.

Even the most privileged families and children with an abundance of seemingly sufficient resources can experience mistrust, shame, doubt, and struggles with identity and intimacy, which can lead to long-term issues. Without healthy attachment security, children experience dilemmas of Industry Vs. Inferiority between 7 and 11 years old, Identity Vs. Confusion between the ages of 12-18. They will confront the hardships of multiple broken relationships, confronting Intimacy Vs. Isolation between the ages of 19-29 and in their 30s Generativity vs. Stagnation. As we age into our 60s, issues of Ego Integrity vs. Despair will eventually surface. While denial may mask the decline in relationship quality, it may not be possible for those impacted by our struggles to remain unaware.

The coping mechanisms that helped us survive childhood are inadequate for building fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others. They hinder us from providing necessary support to our children and from grieving our losses of secure attachment, which contributes to feelings of emotional loneliness. This highlights the urgent need to address parenting challenges and their long-term effects on child development.